I was a really naïve kid. Reeeeeeeeeally naïve. Growing up in Smalltown, U.S.A., the world seemed an almost boring place, a place where very few things could possibly happen to you. My mom and I didn’t have The Talk (ahem… you know which Talk I mean) until I was well into middle school. And there were certain… um… aspects of boy-girl “relations” that we didn’t ever discuss. Period.
It was the summer prior to my freshman year of college, and I was enjoying the last few days of togetherness with my two all-time best friends. They were the two best-looking guys in my high school, the irony of which never escaped me, their awkward-looking compatriot. We did everything together: hiking, swimming, making rice krispies treats. Having been friends since before puberty, we had (and still have) one of those precious male-female friendships free of any sexual tension whatsoever.
The day in question, we set out for the movies. The Blair Witch Project had just come out, and we were excited to see this new-fangled cinematography. Ever-economical, we pooled our resources to purchase an extra-large popcorn and an extra-large soda. We picked a row in the theater, right smack in the middle, and sat down. Matty, who sat in the center, was charged with holding the soda. The popcorn we passed.
Mid-movie, I realized that I was thirsty from all the salty popcorn. I looked over at Matty to ascertain the location of the soda… which he had elected to put between his legs. Enter mental dilemma: How To Remove The Soda From My Best Friend’s Crotch.
Well, I thought about it. And I thought some more. And I came to the conclusion that there was simply no elegant way to do it. So I did the only logical thing.
I leaned over and drank from the straw as the soda sat in his lap.
Let me give you a moment to visualize this. Got it? Uh-huh.
And people, I took a nice, loooooong drink of that soda. And I casually looked up. To see Matty’s horrified face staring down at me. And Nick’s horrified face staring at both of us.
I sat back up, cheeks burning, ignoring the chuckles behind us.
We never talked about it again.
I don’t generally share this story as The Most Embarrassing Moment Of My Life. Because really, how would you react if someone told you about the time they accidentally went down on their best friend in a movie theater?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.